Uneasiness

I’ve always been the type of person who knew everything she wanted. I had a vision, and I followed it. I was the type of person who knew every single class she would take in secondary school. Exactly what I’ll be doing at 9 pm on Thursday night, exactly what was scheduled on a specific date and time. I planned it all out. I was determined. I was visionary. I was resilient and organized and everything I did was well-thought out.

Fast forward to today. It’s May 10th, a Saturday. I haven’t slept, and I’m writing this blog post at five in the morning. I feel uneasy and disorganized. I’m going to graduate from high school in exactly 32 days. And that’s all I know. That’s the only thing set in stone, the only plan, the only date and time which I’m sure of. This transition has truly made me uneasy. I don’t know whether I’ll be attending UCLA this fall, or take a year off to volunteer abroad or to teach in Chicago. And this uncertainty–it’s twisting my guts and it’s a feeling I’m not used to. I feel as if I’ve lost control of my life. I don’t know what to do, how to feel, or how to think. 

This experience, to say the least, has brought me to reality. I can’t have everything in control. I’m so used to being the one in control of my own fate, of my own destination. Now, I know what I become when I lose control. Instead of falling down a step, I fall down a well. If that well isn’t far down enough, I dig myself a deeper hole. 

But it’s different. I dig myself this deeper hole to test my resilience. I know I have what it takes to fly and to soar across my dreams. I still have big dreams to chase and amazing opportunities to catch. I know that wherever I go and whatever happens, I’ll reach those dreams.

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This entry was published on May 10, 2014 at 12:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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